Tag: anger

Our Redemption Story: Part 5

On By AngelaIn Marriage2 Comments

Prologue, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

I have my husband’s full support and permission in sharing the details of our story. He and I are completely different people now and are eager to share our story of redemption, because our desire is that God would use it to give others hope.

In the bank’s parking lot, I asked him if he wanted to follow me to the car to say goodbye to the baby. After he did, I awkwardly hugged his limp arms, said I loved him, and told him I wasn’t looking for a divorce. He walked away without saying a word. He was so mad.

With my dad, I began the 5 hour trip to my parents’ house. It took a few hours longer since the baby was colicky. When we got there, we moved things around in the spare room so the baby and I could both fit with our stuff. Then I hung up a few pictures of Will over the changing pad so our baby wouldn’t forget him. I was so broken, worried of what would happen with my marriage, and exhausted from taking care of a baby who wouldn’t nap or sleep well out of my arms. I was also a bit relieved, because now I had a lot more help with the baby and support from people who knew what was going on – something that was missing from my day to day life back home.

It felt so good to have the physical comfort of my parents. I remember tearful conversations with my mom while navigating each step from separation to reconciliation. She would pray and give practical advice when necessary, then remind me to trust God when there wasn’t more to say. Her godly wisdom and presence helped me get through.

I hadn’t heard from or called my husband since I had gotten there, but one day while my parents were out, I was trying to figure out how to hook up their video camera to the TV so I could watch my wedding video. I needed help and saw that as an excuse to call Will. It was less than a week after I had gotten there. He didn’t know how to help me over the phone, but somehow, just the fact that we were talking started to soften his heart. He told me he got a credit card and bought a computer. He wanted to set up a time to chat online with me. When he told me his screen name, I didn’t comment, but I had a little flicker of hope. He used parts of both of our names in his screen name!

After the initial anger about me leaving him and being kicked out of our apartment, he started to realize that the addiction and all of his actions that went along with that weren’t worth losing his family over. We started talking more, especially online, because neither one of us had many minutes on our prepaid phones. Almost immediately after our first conversation, he said he wanted to do whatever it would take to get me back. He was sorry for everything and ready to do whatever would be needed to overcome the addiction and work toward healing our marriage.

He was done with Canada. He was ready to stop working at the restaurant. He set out to prove that he was ready to make changes so he could take care of our family. He interviewed for a more professional job and got it. Working full time during the day would help him be more accountable to come home straight after work. Because a man’s sense of worth is often wrapped up in his vocation, working a “real job” would help with his depression and give him a purpose.

There were a bunch of financial hurdles that we had to work through. Though he was making good money at times at the restaurant, much of it had been blown to feed the addiction as he got further into it, so it had been hard to pay our bills. He used the new credit card to get some other things for the room he had to rent. He got into more debt to buy a suit for the interview and a few more after he was offered the position. The job required him to get licensed in the field, which of course cost money. It was a commission only job, so after he took it, there were times when we couldn’t pay our bills. It looked to be a rough ride in more ways than one if we were going to work toward reconciliation. God was doing a miraculously quick work in us, and we were ready to take those steps.

 

 

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Learning to Become Who I Am

On By AngelaIn Spiritual GrowthLeave a comment

I am an angry, miserable, not fun mom. I yell, I have a tone when I shouldn’t, I don’t laugh enough, and I see my children mirroring all of my shortcomings.

God says that if we are followers of Christ, we are a new creation. Paul often wrote about the difference between living in sinful nature and living in the spirit. The person I described above most often lives in the flesh, or in her sinful nature. I’m supposed to be dead to that nature, dead to me, and alive in Christ. Hmm.

Ok girls, I know I’m not alone here in this quandary. I want to live in the spirit as a new creation. The Bible says a whole lot about who I am in Christ; I just don’t see her very often. How do I get from point A to point B?

I think the biggest step is getting what my brain knows into my heart. I know so many verses and have declared many times who God says I am. Sometimes things just become so familiar that we don’t take time to really chew on the meaning or the reality of those verses. If God said it about me, he’s describing the real me, the me he made me to be! When I describe myself, the person I am day in and day out, it looks different, because the truth isn’t getting into my heart in order for me to continue to transform into that new creation.

Not very long ago, I blew up at my daughter’s behavior, realized I wasn’t calm enough to handle the situation, so I yelled to my husband, “I can’t do this right now!” After he spoke with her about her behavior, he confronted me. He told me that there are things that I do each day that make me less approachable and that is why we are seeing certain behaviors in our children. He wanted me to work on me, and I wanted his help to come up with consequences so in the future I could discipline without blowing my top. He told me working on me was more important than what I wanted. Ouch.

So, I started reading the book, Triggers: : Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. It is a daily devotional to help moms react and respond biblically  instead of with anger toward their children. The book has two parts. Part one gives ideas for handling our children’s behavior that pushes us over the edge, and part two talks about internal triggers, what’s really going on inside of us that makes us react angrily. I started reading part two first, because I knew I had to fix me. I’m not done with the book, and I will go through it a number of times, I’m sure, before I can implement many of the suggestions. But that first day I picked it up, I found hope.

One of the authors was encouraging us moms that we don’t have to worry about how our kids will turn out or if they will run to therapy because of the way we have been parenting. Instead, we can have hope, because if we let God transform us, our kids will get a front row seat in seeing the power of God make us and change us into who he says we already are.

So between working on me and getting help with some parenting strategies, this summer is “Operation Mommy Transformation.” My kids, by the grace of God, are going to start to see me bloom into who I was created to be.

A few weeks before I picked up the book Triggers, we sang a song in church called “Ever Be.” Please take a listen. 

 

The chorus says, “Your praise will ever be on my lips.” As we were singing, my prayer was that those words would be true even when I am home parenting my children. I want my words to be seasoned with love and grace toward my children so every word and tone I speak can be an offering of praise to God.

Remember Claire’s post, Broken With Him? The “Motherhood is my worship” quote she posted with it is now my motto. Lord, let each part of my mothering be a form of worship to you.
I have hope, because God says I’m a new creation. I’m becoming who I am.

Triggers: : Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses

If Mama ain’t Happy, ain’t Nobody Happy

On By AngelaIn Parenting2 Comments
Usually someone has an attitude
Usually someone has an attitude

Isn’t that how the saying goes? We were in a hurry to get out the door, and I was stressed. We’re always in a hurry because I don’t do well with time management. I got up late because I’m trying to catch up on lost sleep from the past 4 months after our baby was born. The rest of the morning had me running around gathering things for the diaper bag, changing diapers, and making sure everyone was fed and dressed. Chaos and loudness were happening all around me. My volcano finally erupted. After I threw up with words all over my kids, I tried to calm down and just give in to the fact that we weren’t going to be early and maybe not even on time. I took a few deep breaths and resolved to talk quietly even if the lava was still bubbling inside of me.

Then it happened. Recently it so often does. One of my children mirrored my attitude and gave it back to me. I couldn’t correct him because I know I had created the frustration. Immediately I knew I had just witnessed my house falling down all around me. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” When I thought to myself, “I just tore my house down,” I was filled with dread but also hope at the same time.

I knew I had made the wrong decision moments before, but I felt that God had pointed it out to me so I could correct it by responding a different way in the next few minutes. As I said, the lava was still bubbling. I remember talking very quietly and slowly as I fought my toddler’s kicking legs while trying to diaper him. As the baby cried and another child voiced their frustration, I raised my voice to say, “I’m trying really hard right now to not lose my temper. I’m choosing to take deep breaths, but believe me, I want to scream and yell, and if you continue to add to this bad attitude that’s in our house right now, I will.” Hey, at least I was being honest and showing my kids how to fight their feelings and thoughts, right?

Now let’s get back to the feeling of hope. God had shown me what just happened but that my house didn’t have to remain in shambles. After the “ouch” that came with correction, my next thought was, “His mercies are new every morning.” As long as my kids are living in my home, I have the opportunity to practice reacting with peace and calmness to the chaos they or myself bring to our home. Just because I tore my house down in that moment doesn’t mean I can’t choose to rebuild, even if I have to start over a million times. In Lysa TerKeurst’s book, Unglued, she coined a phrase that has been a lifesaver to me; “Imperfect Progress.” If I’m making steps in the right direction in between each step backward, I’m still moving forward; I’m still working at building my house.

Can I encourage you to not give up? No matter how many times you’ve lost it with words, thoughts, or attitudes, He offers a gentle reminder to make the decision to change course and start building again. Then when you have joy in your heart and see joy in your home you can smile, because you know that, “if Mama’s happy, everybody’s happy.”