I was hoping to write something light hearted and funny; this is my first blog post, and I didn’t want to be all depressing and heavy! Alas, I couldn’t do it. I don’t feel light hearted, I don’t feel like I am much fun, and I don’t know how to shake off the blues. I know and proclaim all the Christian cliches…..”This is a season,” “Let go and let God,” etc., etc. But how?
I am a wife of an ambitious husband and mother of 6 healthy children, we have food in the fridge and a roof over our heads….I should be grateful. I should be happy, I should embrace moments, I should be present…..I should but I’m not. I have cried; I have tried to be numb; I try to go through the motions; I can’t. I am tired, emotionally tired, spiritually tired, physically tired, and it is not how I want to live. I feel overwhelmed in my mind, in my heart, and it shows on my face as anger and discontentment.
I try to read the right books, the right articles, the right blogs! I have tried to talk to my husband, my friends. I have tried to talk to God.
All I hear in my heart is the word surrender…but what is that?? How do I surrender? I am in the midst of nursing, homeschooling, housework, being a wife, and being a mother, not to mention trying to keep everyone fed and somewhat clean. How do I begin to surrender? Can I surrender? Did I take on too much? Am I trying to do too much? Do I have too many children? Should I just send them to school? All these questions swirl in my mind, and I cannot seem to get a handle on even my thoughts.
I have cried and cried, and my prayers have become “Lord, I don’t know what to do,” and he continues to say, “Surrender.” Does that mean give up? Throw my arms up? Wave the white flag?
What does surrendering look like? What does it mean? Why do I have to? Do I have the courage to give everything to you Lord?
I am just beginning to look at what surrender means from a biblical stand point and this is what I have found so far.
There are many instances and examples of surrender in the bible but as a start I took this one:
Surrender yourself to the Lord, and patiently wait for Him. Psalm 37:7 (GWT) In the ESV it says “Be still before the Lord.” In the KJV “Rest in the Lord.”
I know there is so much more, and I am sure books and books have been written on the subject, so by no means am I an expert.
But for right now, as a busy mama who feels sleep deprived and at her wits’ end. God is telling me to be still, to rest. Not give up, but to hold onto him. I NEED to surrender, I need to devote myself to him.
God is telling me to understand that I cannot have a self-centered vision of my life. I need to have a God given vision. He gave me my husband, he gave me my children, he has called us to home school, and he has made a mother. I cannot wave the white flag and become a prisoner of war. I fight the battle by resting in Him! I cannot win by trying and fighting harder. WHAT!! God wants me to be still and take a nap?
What about the laundry, the crumbs, the endless to do list?
I close my eyes and try to imagine Jesus saying to me “Come, Deborah, I know you have labored and are heavy laden. I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your soul. My yoke, Deborah, is easy and my burdens are light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
To surrender, to draw close to Jesus, to go to him, is to take his burdens. I want to choose to be gentle and lowly. Jesus has given me the freedom and privilege to surrender to him daily. Why did I think surrendering would be harder than relying on my own strength?
I still have my never ending, forever growing to do list, but I feel less burdened because I have surrendered. I have let go of my self-centered expectations and I am holding onto the burdens of Jesus.
Am I the only one? Do any of you feel overwhelmed with all that life brings? Even the great things? Have you thought surrendering means giving up yourself?